My aunt loves to criticize horror movies. She says they are all stupid, have no plot and are all about the killing and the sex. This is a huge generalization that most real-horror fans would highly disagree with. These criticisms are highly ironic because my aunt has only seen one horror movie in her lifetime: Friday the 13th (2009). She took me to see it when I was fourteen because I was still too “young” to see a rated-R movie (you are never too young). Seeing the remake of Friday the 13th was how I learned that Michael Bay is the worlds shittiest director. My aunt uses this one crappy remake to back up all her criticisms of the horror genre. I believe that you cannot judge the horror genre until you have viewed all the essential horror films. Here is a list of what I believe to be the most essential horror movies to watch before developing a criticism of the genre.
1.Psycho
2.Halloween
3.Nightmare of Elm Street 1-3
4.Evil Dead 1&2
5.The Exorcist
6.Carrie (1978)
7.Silence of The Lambs
8.Jaws
9. Night/Return of the Living Dead
10.Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)
11.Friday the 13th 1-4
12.Blair Witch Project
13.Re-animator
14.Scream
15.Poltergeist
16. An American Werewolf in London
17. Misery
18. Sleepaway Camp
19.Childs Play
20.The Conjuring
21.You’re Next
22.The Burning
23.Cabin In the Woods
24.Drag Me to Hell
25. Paranormal Activity
2013 is coming to an end, finally. The now dying year has actually boomed when it came to the horror genre. 2013 was splattered with horror flicks like Evil Dead, The Conjuring, You’re Next, Carrie and Curse of Chucky. On TV we had The Walking Dead, American Horror Story, Bates Motel and Under The Dome. There certainly was not a shortage of horror this year. Even during my senior year, my fellow classmates thought they were the bee’s knees because they were brave enough to watch the Walking Dead. I was all like “Bitch please I’ve been obsessed with horror since I was three”. There were so many great moments in the horror genre, I would like to share a few of my favorite horrors of 2013
10. Whisper from Mama:
The movie “Mama” was okayish, but it was the trailer that I liked the most. There were a few people in my math class that liked horror films as well and this was one that we anticipated seeing. We started a game where a few people in my class would try to imitate the creepy girl from the movie. While my math teacher was scribbling new math problems on the board, we would take turns whispering “Mama” in that creepy voice, just to see our teachers reaction. We got a good laugh because of this movie and surprisingly,I really enjoyed math that year.
9. Mommy and Son bonding time-Bates Motel
Before the 1960’s it was not okay to mention a toilet in a film let alone kill someone on screen. There was a long set of ridiculous standards that movies had to follow if they wanted to be shown on screen, this was called The Hays Code. Basically movies were either approved or unapproved by a set group of people, there were no in between ratings for movies then. One man, the brilliant if not kooky Alfred Hitchcock, hacked this mundane ratings system and thus inspired the one we have today, which is still flawed and stupid. Regardless, Psycho is one of the most influential films of all time. Flash forward to 2013, we now have a modern prequel to the movie in the form of an A&E tv series Bates Motel. It stars Freddie Highmore as Norman Bates and the bodacious Vera Farmiga portrays his over protective mommy Norma Bates. I love these two together. Freddie Highmore bears such an uncanny resemblance to Anthony Hopkins, I can’t really say that Vera Farmiga looks anything like the original Mrs. Bates because she is not a decaying corpse. I really like the way these characters are developed. My favorite moment in the series is actually in the pilot episode when Norma and Norman are disposing of a man Norma recently killed. There whole process from redecorating a blood stained room to dumping the body in the lake, is just twisted and perfect. It is just such a weird Hitchcockian type moment that really brought me to liking this series.
8. Chucky Under the Sheets- Curse of Chucky
Curse of Chucky was a thousand times better than I had expected it to be. This film is arguably the best in the entire series. I really liked how Child’s Play was inspired by a real life horror named “Robert The Doll”. What an awesome way to praise such an awesome doll…*hesitant laugh*. Then after two iffy sequels came Bride of Chucky. Horror fans lashed out when Chucky took a more comedic route in this film. Although the film worked as a comedy, it did not work as a horror film, neither did Seed of Chucky. Curse of Chucky took what made the original so scary and the others funny, proving that a movie can be funny and scary. One moment in Curse of Chucky that made me laugh for no reason was when a little girl is hiding under her sheets with Chucky himself. She says “Chucky, I’m scared” and Chucky starts giggling. Then he responds “You fuckin’ should be” I didn’t know whether to laugh or be mortified by this potty mouthed doll. Sure it wasn’t as funny as when Chucky said to Tiffany in Bride of Chucky, “I don’t know, what would Martha Stewart do?” But Curse of Chucky did the trick, especially when Andy Barclay whooped Chucky’s ass.
7. Split Milk- Under The Dome
While I was working at camp this summer, I had the pleasure of watching this series within one sitting. It was my turn for office duty which meant I was stuck all day in the office. As long as I answered the phone when it rang, I was free to watch videos on the camp laptop. I am a huge Stephen King, like on an Annie Wilkes level. I HAD TO watch Under the Dome for that reason. I liked the show. I liked how it differed from the book, that way I couldn’t spoil it for myself, also I thought the ending of the book was dumb. The one scene in the show that got me hooked, although it was poorly animated, was when the dome first came down. Everything that was on the line of the dome, got split in half, even a cow. It was as if Chuck Norris karate chopped the town in half. It was especially creepy when a man known as Barbie placed his cow drenched bloody palm on the dome and his hand print stayed suspended in the air. I can imagine some old dude and his wife having a picnic and all of a sudden the old dude says “Oh dear I forgot my cheese knife, how will I cut this brie?” Then the dome comes down on his cheese and BOOM, problem solved.
6. Lousy Super-Model Teen Drivers- Carrie
Okay, this movie sucked! It had some good moments with Julianne Moore as crazy mammy Margaret White, but as a whole the movie was so unnecessary and did not know how to carrie itself 😉 What pissed me off so much was how for months the movies advertisers preached that Carrie 2013 would follow the book more closely, they released all these faux photos that were of supposed moments featured in the film, such as Carries childhood. All I could think after seeing this movie was:
But one scene I liked better than the original was Carrie’s more modern telekinetic rampage, it was how it was meant to be. The best and only amazing part of the movie, was watching sadistic mean girl Christine Hargensen horribly murdered by Carrie’s rage. The car crash scene in this movie lasts for a gruesome amount of time longer than the original. Carrie beats the living shit out of Chris and I didn’t feel bad, I cheered Carrie on. The movie was bad, but if the few good scenes were somehow edited into the old movie, then Carrie would be perfect.
5. Looking For the Magic- You’re Next.
Where do I begin with this movie? Seeing this movie was the most fun I ever had in a movie theater. You’re Next is like a gory, well written version of Home Alone on all sorts of illegal drugs. The premise is so cliched: Rich Family Gets Invaded By Homicidal Maniacs! But somehow it was not predictable, It took everything that made home invasion horror boring and turned it upside down. As the family drops dead one by one, the baddies come close to outnumbering them, but then a family members girlfriend turns super bad ass and claims some victims of her own. I felt like a kid at a Superbowl game. I was clapping and cheering and yelling at the screen. You’re Next was scrumdiddlyumptialiciousnesstastic! As I exited the theater and walked through Fenway, all I could think about was a song played in the movie called Looking for the Magic, a song that repeated itself many times. It first played on a guys stereo while he was being murdered. The attackers just decide to leave the song on repeat and prop the dead guys body up for people to discover. This song is so catchy and scary that I learned to play it on my piano.
Yes another Stephen King horror of 2013, except this one came in the form of a book, a sequel to The Shining. I got this book the day it came out and spent my free time reading it. I ended up walking back to class while reading the book. When class was just about to start I found myself reading about a very disturbing old man: Andy Hallorann (Black Grandpa).
He is the ratchety grandfather of Dick Hallorann a man who saves Danny Torrences life in The Shining. Everything an adult should not do to a child, Andy Hallorann does to Dick. He sexaully harrasses him and even burns him with a cigarette The worst part is that even after he dies, Andy Hallorann continues to harass Dick by exposing his rotted junk to him at every moment he gets. EW!!!!!!!! I almost puked at the start of my “Human Nature, Personal Values and The Arts” class, all because Stephen King violated my brain, the class was already scary enough.
3. The Box Cutter Scene- Evil Dead
When I heard that Jane Levy was playing a female drug addicted version of Ash from Evil Dead, I was all like WHAT?!?!?!? I didn’t think an Evil Dead reboot would be good idea at all. But then again I’m a huge fan of the Evil Dead franchise, I’ve even seen the musical twice (It was amazing both times) Jane Levy managed to traumatize my friends who weren’t used to watching horror movies. I dragged them against their wills to see Evil Dead, just because I thought it would be fun to see their reactions. It was so priceless. One of my friends had to turn away many times and the other almost walked out. I remember one of them coming up to me in P.E class and say “Harry, I hate you, I hate you so much”. All because of Jane Levy’s portrayal as a deranged deadite. The worst (best scene) was when Mia, trapped in the cellar, grabs hold of a box cutter and licks the blade like a lollipop, thus splitting her tongue in half (It’s all the rage these days) I couldn’t eat for a couple of days after seeing this film regardless of how good it was.
2. The Name Game- American Horror Story Asylum
Say what you want about this season of American Horror Story, I loved it, especially because of how close to home it was set. I loved how twisted and awesome this season was. Many people did not understand the season which is why they hated it (the aliens were so necessary). How can you hate a show that has Jessica Lange as a cranky nun/nut singing in a musical number with a bunch of psychos, COME ON!!! This episode had me WTFing the entire time, I had to rewind my recording a couple of times to make sure I wasn’t crazy. The sad part was that I couldn’t express my love for the episode because none of my friends were caught up. I am a huge fan of musical horror. I’ve seen musicals of Carrie, Evil Dead, Re-animator and even Human Centipede. Let me say it again, I LOVE MUSICAL HORROR!!!! Jessica Lange randomly breaking out into The Name Game made me feel like this:
Which is why I love this show.
1. Hide and Clap- The Conjuring
Only two horror movies have ever managed to make me jump: Arachnophobia (I hate spiders) and The Conjuring, so I have to give it props. I originally didn’t want to see this movie because the premise sounded all too familiar. Then a friend at camp managed to convince me to see it. My only reason for seeing it was my Bates Motel favorite, Vera Farmiga. Boy I did not know what I was getting myself into. The Conjuring is a hollywoodifyed story based off of the true story of the Perron Family case. This real life Rhode Island Family was terrorized by a poltergeist and then rescued by paranormal fighters Ed and Lorraine Warren. You might know them from movies such as the Amityville Horror and A Haunting in Connecticut. Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson were the only people to portray the couple in a non-crappy manner. The movie also had Joey King from Oz: The Weak and Terrible… oops Great and Powerful. I couldn’t understand why I was so okay with Joey King being dragged away by a ghost. Then I went home and looked her up on Wikipedia. Ohhh she was the China Girl from that movie I brutally despised for wasting my time and money. But it wasn’t any of these people that scared me, it was a particular scene involving Lily Taylor as Carolyn Perron. One night in the Perron household, Mrs. Perron heard a noise. She of course goes into the creepy ass basement to investigate the sound. Then she is hurled down the stairs. As she gets up and tries to light a match, a creepy voice emerges from the darkness “Wanna play hide and clap?” Clap Clap. Shudders. I don’t know why this creeped me out, but it did. It was cheap and effective. I liked the Conjuring, it also broke a chain of bad and mostly Michael Bay horror films. The Conjuring proved that the horror genre should be taken more seriously. I can’t wait for the sequel.
I hope you guys all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR! What were your favorite horror movie moments of 2013? COMMENT BELOW
Moments I didn’t like: Texas Chainsaw 3D, The Following, The Purge, R.I.P.D
littleblogofhorrors666 